By LeAnn Thieman

Is there a stigma about caring for the elderly?
Are family members hesitant to tell their bosses, friends or neighbors about their roles as caregivers?

Before I read thousands of stories to write Chicken Soup for the Caregiver’s Soul, I didn’t want to accept that possibility. So recently, I posed the question to Jo Huey, an Alzheimer's specialist in her nineteenth year of working with persons with that and other related disorders.

“Yes, family members are hesitant,” says Jo. “First of all, people are sometimes reluctant to even identify themselves as caregivers. They feel so responsible; it’s overwhelming. They are exhausted, yet reluctant to discuss their feelings and duties for fear they may sound ungrateful, disloyal or whiney. Consequently, it is very difficult for caregivers to bring up the subject.”

As I speak to caregivers all over the world, I notice too, that they frequently talk about someone else who is providing care but avoid talking about themselves.Are caregivers embarrassed to discuss their roles and chores?

“They are embarrassed,” Jo admits, “but not for themselves--for their loved one whose dignity would be compromised if everyone knew their current state. That’s why caregivers don’t talk about it —they are protective of those they love.”

“I talk about it!” claims Bill Andrew with pride when we meet. “It’s an honor to care for her,” Bill says about the past 11 years of his 54-year marriage caring for his wife with late-stage Alzheimer’s. The mind of the woman he loves is gone, yet her wheelchair-bound body has not suffered the usual consequences of the illness, thanks to Bill’s impeccable care. “Her spirit,” this faith-filled prayerful man insists, “is still here, inside. I’m proud of how she’s doing—of how I’m doing, and I’ll tell the world.”

And indeed he does as he shares his first hand knowledge and expertise in a weekly column on Caregiver’s Home Companion Website. “It’s not easy, but it’s a joy to fulfill our wedding vows, ‘til death do us part,’” Bill adds, wiping a tear from his eye.

Bill suggests the reason many people don’t talk to their friends about caregiving is for fear they’ll desert them. “They can’t understand and don’t know what to do or say—so they don’t do or say anything.”

Talking with Jo Huey and Bill Andrews confirmed my own opinions of why eldercare discussions are taboo. “No one wants to talk about getting old or the consequences of it,” Jo says. “It is a ‘morbid’ subject. When I say I work in eldercare, the 100% response is, ‘That must be so depressing.’”

This is where my theory comes in, that our society is losing its admiration and respect for the aged. We distance ourselves from them both geographically and emotionally. Rarely do grandparents live with families who respect them as matriarchs and patriarchs, the tradition held by past generations. Now Grandma and Grandpa are too often scattered, disconnected, forgotten, and warehoused. 

Often we deny not only them, but the entire aging process. I frequently tease that the reason I don’t dye my hair is because I am on a one-woman crusade to show the world we must honor and embrace aging. Yet advertisers spend billions annually to convince us that growing old is bad, to be avoided at all costs. There are dyes to apply, creams to rub on, and pills to take to avoid signs of aging.

In Native American communities, growing old is honored and elders are revered. “They hold the heart and spirit of our culture with their wisdom, songs, stories, language and life knowledge,” says D.J. Eagle Bear Vanas, an Odawa Indian and international motivational storyteller, speaker, and author. “They are esteemed not just because they hold precious information that we need to survive, but because of who they are. Elders are honored in many ways; they come first; they always eat first, and in times of scarcity this is the highest demonstration of love you can bestow.”

To corroborate my theory, DJ adds, “In our native cultures, our elderly are not to be discarded, shipped off or ignored as many in general society practice today. They aren’t an issue to be dealt with—hey are treasured.”

My five-year-old nephew came home from school and announced that his class was going to visit the “wise ones.” It took a phone call to the teacher to learn they were going to visit a nursing home. This great teacher may be on a one-woman crusade too—to change our society’s view and value of our elderly.

“We caregivers have to show the world the joy in caregiving,” Bill Andrews insists. “But that’s something no one but a caregiver can understand.”

“We need to change the perception of caregiving,” Jo Huey says with a passion she exudes in her three books. “We need to show the good parts.”

And there are many good parts. When I read the thousands of stories submitted for the book, I was awestruck by the gifts caregivers found in the giving. They discovered traits in themselves they hadn’t realized—strength, compassion, wisdom. These may not have been unveiled had they not cared for their elderly loved ones.      

Caring for the aged is a gift, a privilege to be shared with the world. But until we as a society “treasure” our elderly and put them first, we will not end the stigma of eldercare.

So let’s get started.

Share the gifts in the giving.

LeAnn Thieman is a certified speaking professional, author and nurse. She is co-author of Chicken Soup for the Caregiver’s Soul, as well as Chicken Soup for the Nurses Soul, Chicken Soup for the Christian Woman’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Father and Daughter Soul and Chicken Soup for the Grandma’s Soul. To learn more about her books and presentations contact 877-THIEMAN or www.LeAnnThieman.com.