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I was devasted when my partner and I sat with the doctor and was told she had pancreatic cancer. It was and unimaginable shock that coursed through my body. I promised her that things would be okay and that we would beat this. She was an amazing woman then, incredibly strong and independent. I knew that we would beat this. Or so I thought. I went to every doctors appointment, stayed in the hospital with her every night even though I was pregnant with our second baby. I drove her to all of her radiation appointments and chemo visits every day for 6 weeks with the strong belief that the treatment would work and we would be able to do surgery. She never lost her hair but lost almost 40 pounds and was very sick most days. I stayed positive and rubbed her back to make her feel better for hours on end. The doctor said he would attempt the surgery it would last 12+ hours and have a 2 week hospital stay. The day of the surgery I sat and waited for it to be over so we could move on with our lives. Only an hour into surgery the doctor came to me and said that the cancer had spread and he couldn't proceed. Something inside me died at that moment. When I saw her the first thing she said to me was "I'm sorry". We went home that day and cried. I cried the next day too, but on the third day I went to the computer and did some research. I found a doctor in Tennessee who is reporting and 80% success rate with stage IV Pancreatic Cancer. I flew my wife and I down to Tennessee to meet with the doctor and got on his program. I administer her medication daily and give her an injection monday, wednesday and friday nights. The treatment takes about 8 weeks before we can see results. This is the 5th week of treatment. Every day seems harder. She can barely eat, her stomach swells and hardens every time she tries. The worst part about her cancer is that I feel guilty all the time for simple things like taking a bath. I feel like I'm taking too much time away from her for things like that or talking on the phone or painting, or anything that I would consider me time. I love her dearly but we are fighting all the time now. I don't know how to deal with that. I get so frustrated when I hand her the medication she needs and she puts it down and forgets about it. She refuses to let me drive even though she is on very heavy narcotics and has almost crashed many times. She isn't the independent woman I fell in love with. I still love her, I always will but I need to know how to deal with being so angry. I think I am mad at God too and I know I shouldn't be. I lost my dad when I was 11, my grandma 6 weeks later and my mom when I was 16. I feel like my life is unfair and I constantly get the worst possible things to deal with, not to mention we have a 3 year old and a 2 month old I solely care for now that their other mommy "has a boo boo". I need some advice. Please help.
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