By Nicole Levison

Life is often a series of compromises: You pay more for pre-shredded cheese, but save time, energy, and the occasional bloody knuckle. You give up the culture and energy of city living for the spacious affordability of the suburbs. You forgo your favorite hobby to spend more time with someone you deeply care about. You move far away from your elderly parents for a job or better schools for your children—and then you can’t be there physically to help your parents as they age. 

It seems that there is hardly ever a decision that is simple or perfect.

Every Day Is a Learning Experience

Such is the case of a long-distance caregiver’s duties. Whether you offer technical support, such as helping your parents tackle the maze of decisions that come with ailing health, or provide more advanced caregiving assistance, such as to one who suffers from dementia or Alzheimer’s, being far away may sometimes make it seem more of an uphill battle. Believe it or not, there are ways to alleviate the stress of long-distance caregiving. Here are a few tips:

Let Go of Guilt and Bring in Help

Besides taking into account your loved one’s desires and needs, and knowing what his/her wishes are when it comes to important issues (for instance, medical directives and living wills), here are some ways to assist in your long-distance care management:

• Acquire local eyes and ears. In addition to any professionals you may involve, like a visiting nurse or aide, enlist a nearby friend, neighbor, relative, or otherwise trusted source to keep you in the loop.
• Recruit a case manager or social worker to help draft up a care plan. These professionals can ensure that your loved one’s care is managed from all perspectives, assess their individual needs, and present the appropriate resources. They can also lend a hand wading through the mounds of paperwork, terminology, and decisions.
• Hire a visiting nurse or other professional. The Visiting Nurse Association can send qualified professionals to your loved one’s house to ensure they are taking their medications, receiving proper nutrition, bathing regularly, and more.
• Consider all options before moving your loved one into a facility or your own home. Obviously if you are taking the time to read this, you are aware of how important it is to educate yourself with the many choices that exist when it comes to the world of caregiving. For instance, if your care recipient is elderly and no longer able to live at home even with assistance, there are state resources to help. If assets do not cover the fees, state aid can augment. This subsidized care varies by state, so you might want to start with the Health and Human Services division (Health Finder provides a search engine). Note that many religious organizations exist such as Faith in Action which help caregivers from all religious denominations.
• Visit regularly (if you can!). In addition to seeing for yourself how your patient is faring, visit for the sake of the person you love and care for, as well as to offer respite to those who provide primary care. You may want to develop a relationship with a travel agent who works hard to find you the best deals. Sometimes great air fares are available at the last minute. Check Websites such as Orbitz or Travelocity to find deals, and check the fares of many different airlines at the same time.
• Verify that your loved one’s legal and financial affairs are in order. Also, make sure important papers are easily accessible. Don’t wait for an emergency to address these matters.
• Employ technology. Personal emergency response systems, Webcams, and monitoring devices exist to help make your life easier.
• Know that you’re not alone. In addition to involving family members, there are plenty of others out there whom you should include in the care team—friends, physicians, nurses, social workers, financial/legal planners, clergy, and even other caregivers can offer encouragement and resources you might not have thought of. Be willing to accept support!

Vast Miles Don’t Have to Be a Chasm

A sobering statistic: AARP.org estimates that more than five million Americans are long- distance caregivers. A 2004 study (conducted by MetLife in association with the National Alliance for Caregiving) found that there is an average of 450 miles between a caregiver and his/her loved one.

This means some basic concerns you need to address include time management, travel expenses, and financial planning. But never underestimate the power of the phone. Calling your loved one briefly every night can be a highlight of their day—and yours. Hearing someone’s voice can help bridge the distance, and it can also help alert you to possible problems such as depression, or even an illness such as the flu (stuffy noses and phones don’t mix!). Write a letter once a week to mention all those things that may seem trivial to mention—such as praise at work, or a daughter’s school play—but truly help your loved one feel as if they’re sharing in your experiences!  

Compromise and Relax

Obviously, being a caregiver is a daunting responsibility for which there is no easy solution. Each situation requires plenty of careful deliberation and some amount of sacrifice and compromise, but should not cause turmoil. Remember that you are doing the best you can and to take a deep breath, relax, and take it one day at a time. As one long-distance caregiver put it, “I learn more every day and learn to love more every moment.”