By Vicki Rackner, M.D.

Dahlia was confused. She said, “I know I want to be my mother’s caregiver. I made a conscious choice to take a leave of absence from work to be with her. So why do I feel resentful when she asks me to do all the things she asks of me?”

Dahlia may feel resentful because she may not have set any boundaries with her caregiving. When caregivers forget to establish boundaries, they may find themselves going overboard with caregiving duties. They may forget about their own needs, and this can make them resentful…without even understanding why!

Good Fences Make Good Caregivers

They say fences make for good neighbors.  Fences tell others where your own property begins and ends. You can open your gates and welcome visitors. You can also shut your gates when you want to be alone. It isn’t rude or unsocial—it’s just time you need for you. As a caregiver, this time to yourself is especially important.

You have your own personal fence that surrounds your body, your time and your soul.  You can choose to open your gates and invite people in, but be careful. Some caregivers, like Dahlia, keep those gates open 24/7…and they end up neglecting their own needs and personal boundaries.

Personal boundaries are neither inherently good nor bad. They simply are. Their purpose is to keep you safe. Boundaries are the lines that define your own personal space. “Crossing the line” means violating a personal boundary.

You are most effective as a caregiver when you know where your boundaries are and you protect them.

This can be challenging, to say the least. Caregivers live their day-to-day lives perilously close to their boundaries. But the first step is recognizing your boundaries, and understanding that it is OK to have them. In fact, it is healthy to give yourself a break now and then.

Ask yourself where your boundaries are:

Your Space

Have you ever noticed that you normally stand a certain distance from people when you talk? Perhaps you have an invisible bubble around you that defines your own personal space. In fact, you might feel uncomfortable around people who enter your bubble. 

Caregiving involves close physical contact, especially if you are the one bathing and dressing your loved one. Your loved one, who is often touch-deprived, may want you to be physically close. Their idea of close may fall inside your bubble. Sometimes you may want them in your bubble. Sometimes, you might not.

Get to know where your bubble is. Notice the feeling you get when people come into your bubble.  See what happens when you take a step back.

If your loved one wants more physical closeness than you feel comfortable with, find other ways of meeting your loved one’s touch needs.  Maybe you can recruit a friend or relative who loves to give massages to come for weekly visits. Take them to a spa or hair salon to receive a luxurious shampoo and a head massage, or a pedicurist to get a manicure and pedicure (this can be good for both men and women!). 

Your Time

All living creatures need to take time for renewal. Trees lose their leaves in the winter. Bears hibernate. You might be someone who is renewed through alone time; you might know others who are recharged in the presence of others.

I don’t have to tell you; caregiving is a 24/7 job. It’s easy for renewal time to disappear into thin air. This is regrettable, for you are a better caregiver when you are renewed.  Connie, who has an autistic son, says that she needs her 20 minutes of alone time each day as much as she needs the oxygen she breaths and food she eats. She said that when she doesn’t get it, she can still function, but it’s not with an open heart. This doesn’t mean Connie does not love her son, or that she is a “bad” caregiver. On the contrary, it simply means she understands that she needs this time in order to be the best caregiver she can be, and love and care for her son as fully as she wants.

Learn how much time you need for renewal. It may be that a weekly outing to the movies and dinner with a friend is sufficient. You might need a half hour walk every day.  Schedule it. Find someone to be with your loved one so you can care for yourself.

Your Soul

You have the right to a life free of abuse. Period. Being sick or disabled can bring out the dark side of even the most positive person. The caregiver can then become the target of anger.

Phillip’s father was angry because he was confined to a wheelchair after a stroke. Phillip was shocked when his father threw the tea cup at the wall because the tea wasn’t hot enough. He told Phillip he was not a good son because a good son would know how important hot tea is. Phillip’s father continued to behave this way.

At first Phillip just held his tongue. He wondered how he would do if it were he in the wheelchair. The abuse was eating away at his soul. Finally he said to his father, “Dad, I cannot imagine what it’s like for you. I think I can understand why you would be angry, and I would probably feel the same way. However, I will no longer tolerate your throwing things or calling me names. If this continues, we will need to make a different plan for your care, OK? Maybe you want to talk about everything that is bothering you. I will listen.” Stating this in a non-confrontational way and offering to listen may help your loved one open up.

If your loved one is taking your caregiving for granted, let your loved one know exactly what behaviors will not be tolerated.  Explain that you are there to help, but you need to be met halfway. Ask your loved one to respect your role. Talk with your loved one honestly about how you are feeling, and encourage him or her to express any anger, resentment, or fear they may have.

Understand that a behavioral change on the part of your loved one may be part of the illness. It may be a symptom of a condition, or the emotional affect of your loved one’s loss of independence. If the new behavior is different from the person you know and love, talk about this with your loved one’s doctor. Say, “I’ve noticed Dad is agitated and angry. This is new for him. What could be causing this change?”

The bottom line is that most caregivers are more effective and open-hearted when they know where their boundaries are, and they protect them. With boundaries, we can find personal renewal while caregiving, and find the strength to cope when life gets chaotic.