By Amy Hoover Tuso

Caregiving does not end with the death of the person being cared for.  I have always felt this way and recently have had several discussions with friends who are still carrying a lot of the issues surrounding their caregiving experience, especially anger.

The sayings, “not seeing the forest for the trees” and, “hindsight is 20/20” accurately describe the gist of the conversations.  It seems that when we are in the midst of the intensive caregiving there is an unspoken guilt surrounding feelings of anger and resentment.  After all, we tell ourselves, what possible right do we have to be angry with the situation, circumstance, or the person for whom we care for?  We badger and chastise ourselves. To top it all off, we manage to suck it up and paint on the persona of being happy, willing, and able to deal with all for which we find ourselves responsible. 

The Happy Caregiver Act Can Be Tiring

Pretending everything is all right all the time is a very complicated, delicate, and tiring performance to be able to maintain for the duration of your caregiving. Privately, you may be able to release your feelings. However, you may find yourself unable even to privately acknowledge your pain, frustration, and anger. You may not be able to release the pent up emotions. All the while, your soul is taking blow after blow, and the worse part is that you are the one beating yourself down.

It has been my experience that somewhere during or after the caregiving journey the focus needs to shift from what you do or did for the other person, to giving yourself some tender care. In essence, you need to become the caregiver of your soul. You need to find a way to nurture and heal yourself.  Somehow, through the physical and mental exhaustion, you must become loving, forgiving, understanding, gentle, and compassionate to the most important being in your life…you.

Feeling Angry is Okay

In my discussions with other caregivers, daughters, sisters, wives, husbands, brothers, sons…anger is mentioned time and again as an issue.  Anger that their loved one became incapable of continuing to be self-sufficient, incapable of making proper or logical choices, incapable of tending to life’s demands as they used to.  Anger that their loved one is now angry with themselves, with life, and with you for taking charge!

Anger with the reflection of what was and will never be again. Anger with the feelings of impatience that seem to surface so many times. Anger at the disruption of daily routines, anger at having to juggle all that comes with caregiving as well as your needs, your family’s needs. Anger at being angry with yourself!  In writing this it reminds me of a dog chasing his own tail…’round and ‘round and ‘round you go!

Anger is Human

Please accept the reality that you are only human.  You have a right to acknowledge your human feelings, emotions, stress, wants, and needs.  Rewriting history is not an option.  Being all that you can be within the present day is the only way of living. Day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year.

Being present for yourself is mandatory but yet so difficult within a caregiving situation, or even if your loved one has passed on. Never feel bad about anger. It is a healthy emotion and one that is normal to feel, and let go of at the right time. Honor yourself, love yourself, forgive yourself, applaud yourself, and know that you have done, and will continue to do, the best that you know how within your life situation.