By Alice D. Domar, Ph. D. and Laura A. Jana, M.D., F.A.A.P.

As a caregiver with children, you face a difficult task. How can you balance the needs of your loved one with the needs of your children? As your attention and time shift, your other children may have strong, yet appropriate reactions and feelings about these changes. Some siblings could become angry that Mom or Dad can’t attend their baseball games. Others may feel scared this situation could happen to them. Other reactions could include withdrawal, acting out, or misbehaving to get attention.

Egos in Sneakers

Children are basically egos in sneakers. In other words, until they get older, they believe the world revolves around them. Kids tend to interpret events as being caused or attributed to their behavior. They’re keenly observant noticing many things without appearing to be listening or watching. Children often seek answers about important questions from peers. That peer knowledge may not always be accurate, which means your children could be operating under some false assumptions.

Building Strong Foundations

According to LLuminari expert and pediatrician Laura Jana, M.D., “helping instill children with a healthy sense of importance and self-confidence is one of the single most important things that any caregiver can offer a child.  By offering them love, consistency, and the assurance that they have firm ground to stand on, you can provide your children with an invaluable foundation.” 

Other key tips for kids:

• Maintain a routine to build consistency. 
• Keep them in a consistent environment, for example, have people come to your home to watch them.
• Be aware that small children need to be assured that the loved one’s illness is not their fault and is not contagious. Ask your children how they are feeling, and make sure they know there is no question you won’t be willing to answer. Every question is a good question.
• Be honest, but, only provide information and answers matched to your child’s level of understanding. For example, if a child asks if Grandma will be healthy enough to come to her birthday party, answer that question directly. Don’t offer information beyond what your child is asking. You can explain that Grandma wants to come to the birthday party but is sick and unable to do things she used to do.  Be aware that your child may be listening as you speak to family and friends.  Keeping your child’s trust is critical, so be keenly sensitive about their feelings, their discussions, and their questions.

Caring for a Disabled Child

Caring for a disabled child in a family with siblings is especially difficult. Your other children may feel guilty because they resent the time you spend with their ill sibling. Or, a child may feel guilty that they are healthy and able to do things their sibling cannot.   Acknowledge these feelings as being normal and healthy.

Consider actions that might mitigate guilty feelings or resentment. Ask another adult to cover for you so you can spend one-on-one time with your healthy child. Emphasize positive and fun activities your healthy children can do with their sibling. If their sibling is unable to jump and run, perhaps they can learn a new song and perform it together.

Children Caring for Loved Ones

Involve your children in the care of their sibling, or, their grandma or grandpa, whenever possible. Small children can provide entertainment by singing and dancing and creating pictures to hang in the room. Older children can perform tasks ranging from reading aloud, to bringing in fresh water, to light housekeeping duties. The message to your children should be that their contributions are valuable and appreciated, and they are helping out of love for their family member. Take care your child isn’t burdened by responsibilities that are overwhelming.

Create the Environment

When you create a family atmosphere where caring for a loved one is important and valued, everyone will benefit. Even unpleasant tasks can be shared. If you need to give regular injections, a child can use the alcohol swab or hold the patient’s hand during the injection. Your child will feel good about contributing to the care. Participating in the process will demystify the medical procedures. 

You can also combine your children’s needs with your needs and those of your loved one. Renting family movies can entertain everyone, reading an adventure book aloud can be fun for all, and eating special treats together can be shared bliss. Remind your child that this is a difficult time for everyone and that you will do your best to be as available as possible.