By Strength for Caring

SFC: Your book "They're Your Parents, Too! How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents' Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy" explores what it's like for siblings as their aging parents' needs change. Would you explain to siblings why it's important to focus on their relationship with each other during this difficult time?

FR: On a practical level, you will have to make many decisions together and take on many tasks: helping Mom or Dad, doing hands-on care or hiring help, adapting Mom's home or moving her to an assisted living maybe having to sell her house to do it. All of this will be far more difficult if you or your siblings are acting out your old struggles with each other--especially if you don't realize that's what you're doing. And most people don't!

On an emotional level, you will need your siblings now more than ever. Your siblings, caregiving research shows, can be your greatest supports, or they can cause you more stress than almost anything else. The advice I give in my book-along with some new ways to understand old problems-can help you up the support you get and reduce the stress.

SFC: What are some of the biggest challenges that siblings face when they first realize that their parents are aging? Would you tell them what they can do to address them?

FR: Before you can start planning for the new reality, you must have an accurate read to what that reality is. How is your mom really doing? Is she still safe at home? Is she just getting forgetful, or is she starting to have dementia? Does she need any help at all? Can you believe what your sister is telling you, or is she just being over-anxious as usual? These are some of obstacles to determining what your parent needs:

• You or your siblings are in denial: a parent's mortality awakens some pretty scary things; maybe your brother still needs your mom to be his parent and refuses to see how old she's getting. On the other hand, maybe you're so scared about losing your dad that you over-react every time he hiccups.


• You distrust the messenger--or your brother does. You're telling him some objective reality, but he doesn't believe you partly because he thinks you've always been hysterical, or a complainer, or had some hidden agenda.


• Your parents are hiding or dividing: they're hiding their symptoms or telling you each different things. This is very common, but once you realize it, you and your siblings can pool information and get to the truth.

Here are some of the ways you can get around these obstacles:

• Don't freak out because your siblings don't "get" it; chances are, they will catch up. it's natural for timing to differ.


• Question your own perceptions too. Is it possible you are overreacting out of your own anxiety?


• Consider that you and your siblings may be getting different information and try to pool it.


• Read up on what's "normal" aging and what's cause for concern.


• Get a professional assessment from a geriatric care manager or geriatrician.

SFC: Typically, siblings take on different caregiving roles and responsibilities with their aging parents but, in some cases, there are siblings who don't participate in caregiving at all. Would you tell the "do'ers" how to get their other siblings to help?

FR: This is one of the most emotional issues between siblings-and it comes out of very complicated family dynamics and history, a subject I help people understand in my book.

• Do not over-simplify or assume you are totally in the right, and your siblings are totally wrong, irresponsible, or otherwise bad people.


• You will get more cooperation, sometimes a surprising amount if you give up your "shoulds." Your siblings did not have the same relationship that you did with mom or dad, and there's no way they "should" feel the same way you do.

HOW you ask for help is critical:

• Ask directly, don't hint, or complain about how tough you have it.


• Ask for something specific; figure out what you need that your sibling can do (my book offers some guidance on this) and when you need it.


• Ask for what you think you can get realistically. people get more when they don't ask for the impossible-like asking your brother who can't stand your mother to spend more time with her. maybe he can do other tasks or spend money rather than time.


• Ask without expressing anger or imposing guilt. anger evokes anger, and guilt doesn't work! It just makes your siblings avoid you.


• Ask yourself what you really want! lots of caregivers feel lonely and unappreciated. If you want your sibling to check in once a week just to let you vent, say so. If you're feeling lonely, let them know that you would consider it a big help if they would just call more regularly. If you would like them to say they understand what you are going through, tell them it would help to hear that. They are likelier to do this if you don't constantly tell them how terrible they are.

SFC: Watching a parent decline can be one of the most difficult experiences in life. How can siblings support each other during this time?

FR: Watching our parents age and die is one of the hardest things in life. Each person will respond to this crisis differently. even the most mature of us will sometimes be over-emotional or act childishly. Even those who behave badly by most people's standards deserve some compassion. Show a little compassion, and you will probably find it coming back your way.

For more information, visit www.yourparentstoo.com