By Amy Hoover Tuso

I have found myself thrown into the position of caregiver without any warning. All of a sudden I was supposed to know what to do, where to turn, how to handle this life-changing situation.  It was frightening, frustrating, guilt producing, and exhausting.  Somehow, through perseverance and common sense we/I made it through.

After the first time this happened to me, I realized that should I become a caregiver again, I needed to have some plans. And sure enough, as I write this, I have been a caregiver five more times.

Communication is Vital

What I know for sure is that open, frank, hard communication is vital.  Asking the hard questions prior to an emergency caregiving situation and working up a plan together is golden.  This is not comfortable to approach; I would equate it to writing a Living Will and a Power of Attorney.  Fortunately for me, both my parents realized that this discussion was necessary for our individual mental and emotional wellness.

We approached the subject one day and attempted to answer the “what-if” questions that we all carry.  Our conversations, and there were many, went something like this…

• What-if you become terminally ill, what would YOU want? 
• Where would you want to be? 
• Do you want to be hospitalized? 
• Do you want to be home with Hospice? 
• Do you want a DNR (do not resuscitate) directive? 
• Do you have a Living Will and where is it? 
• Would you give me Power of Attorney? 
• How do you see me helping you? 
• If I can not physically care for you, would you agree that you should go to a nursing home? 
• Do you have Extended Care Insurance? 
• Do you have the finances to hire help should you wish to remain home? 
• What would you want to do, and where would you want to live when you find yourself being the surviving spouse? 
• How can I not carry guilt upon and within myself if you are unable to help me make these decisions…now, while you are well instead of at a time when you can not make such choices?

Empower your Parents, and Yourself

The way that I was able to objectively approach and carry out these conversations with my cherished parents was simply by asking myself how will I want this handled when I am the one in need of a caregiver…wouldn’t I rather be involved in planning for my future years…the end of my human existence?  It is so important to become your own advocate while you can and have an advocate waiting in the wings for when you need one.

It is empowering to be the operator of your destiny and the only way for that to happen is with planning.

As a caregiver I have witnessed the struggle within the person in need. Your loved one wants to maintain his or her dignity. Communicating with them about any decisions, from choosing vanilla or chocolate pudding for dinner, to choosing healthcare directives and plans, empowers your loved one.