By Beth Erickson, Ph.D.

Being protective of ill or dying loved ones is natural. Wanting  to do everything possible for them is a way to show love. But many caregivers devote their entire lives to the needs of their loved ones. Taking care of YOU also amounts to caring for loved ones. If you aren’t well, who will care for your loved one?

What Can You Control? You!

Is it ever appropriate to draw the line and say, "I can't do any more right now?" In a word, yes. The best way to help your loved one is to pay attention to your own health and needs. Only then can you pay attention to your loved one’s needs. It serves no one if you are worn to a frazzle because of your devotion.

What helps caregivers draw that line and take care of themselves? Getting a clear perspective on what you can and can't control may help more than anything. You can take care of your loved one to the extent your loved one’s situation including his or her condition(s), and well-being, as well as your personal resources allow. After that, your primary influence comes from taking charge of yourself and your own needs and reactions.

Four Elements You Can - and Should - Control

1. You can and should take care of yourself.  In order to sustain the arduous tasks related to caregiving, you need to have some care to give. This means not running yourself ragged. Regularly step back and nurture yourself. This could mean making appointments with close friends for cups of tea. Or taking long walks. Or lighting a candle and taking long bubble baths. Or reading escape fiction. Or going to light-hearted movies. It doesn't matter what you do to take care of yourself. It only matters that you do so.
2. Learn to pace yourself. Take breaks from caregiving tasks with self-care strategies such as those suggested above. Please do not feel guilty about this. Doing so has three amazing benefits. 1) Getting more fuel in your emotional tank will enable you to keep going as a caregiver. 2) Taking breaks will help you have enough energy for other loved ones, such as children, who need your everyday care. 3) Taking breaks may help you reorient your life apart from or in addition to being a caregiver.
3. Begin to envision your life without your loved one particularly if the course of the illness is long or death is near.  In doing so, you are being responsible for yourself and to your loved one. It may actually be a relief to everyone involved if you can envision a life that doesn’t require your loved one to be alive. Your loved one’s spirit will always be with you if you believe in it. Your life needs to go on. Only you can take charge of that.
4. Pay attention to, and “keep” all your memories of your loved one. This may seem a contradiction to #3. But it is not. There is no way to make up for the loss of someone you love. You just have to hold out and see it through. The dearer and richer the connection, the more painful the loss…but also the greater the memories. And these memories will provide comfort during your loved one’s illness and after their passing.

Caregivers have needs, too. Remember that as a caregiver, you should give care to yourself, just as you care for all the other people in your life.