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Home > Caregiver Manual > Grief, Death, & Dying > Grief & Loss > Observing Grief |
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OBSERVING GRIEF
Shari is a 45-year-old articulate client of mine. She has an extremely demanding job as a corporate executive. Previously, in her early 30’s, I completed an in-depth course of treatment with her, focused primarily on “family of origin” work. “Family of origin” work is a type of therapy where you look at the background of your family, analyze your family values and traditions, and then try to understand the past so you don’t make the same mistakes your family has. About two months ago, on the day of her father’s memorial service, Shari called me for help. She wisely knew that, as her family tended to be conflict-driven and unsupportive, she couldn’t count on them to help her cope with her grief. They would have difficulty enough coping with their own grief. She knew she would need to look elsewhere for support. Her way of dealing with difficult situations was vastly different from theirs, and undoubtedly healthier. Within two months of her father’s death after a long illness, Shari made several statements. Each statement represents a different stage of grieving—all of which are normal. I will share them with you, in the hope that they may help you. Even if the statements seem extreme or worrisome, when people are creating a space to grieve, statements like the following are perfectly normal. Intense feelings in periods of emotional distress are normal, but it is important that you don’t get stuck in these emotional places. There is no “normal” or right period of time for grieving since everyone grieves differently, but if you start feeling as if the grief is taking over your life, you may consider professional help, talking with friends or family, or reading a good book on coping with grief. I have included Shari’s statements, along with my translation of them. Shari has agreed with my translations and has given me written permission to use her words.
Theologian C. S. Lewis wrote an inspiring book after the untimely death of his beloved wife. It is called A Grief Observed. In it, he wrote, “Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.” I think you could see how Shari would agree. When we are grieving, the first step is to allow ourselves to feel. By letting go and truly observing our grief, we can help say goodbye to the ones we love. In other articles on this site, we will continue to help you cope with and understand your natural feelings of grief.
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additional comments Corrie | July 23, 2008 | 3:13 PM I am feeling a little guilt from not being on the computer applying for another teaching position and so I am not totally thinking but I do need to resolve the grief work issue. I did read your column about how to handle work with caregiving and it made sense, although the reason I wrote is because it also made me realize how poorly my principal handled my situatiion. she is new to her job, but is not a people person and actually should not be working in her role. She is good at some things but not at managing people. I know I am not the only one that she harassed but I am truly afraid that she could be undermining my teaching career that I have invested so much in. I really do not know how to approach this possibility and so far I have kept a low key, but when I have received very few responses to my applications I is beginning to bother me. I wanted to stay in the district with the price of gas going upward, but it appears that might not be possible.
Grief and work Corrie | July 23, 2008 | 3:02 PM I am still having reprecusions and problems from the attitude that my principal had when I told her that I was going to take time off to be with my husband during the last weeks of his illness. I did not know the amount of time that we had, but I needed to be with him. I applied for family leave. She told me that it was going to inconvenience her to do this, especially the full 12 weeks allowed. I took it and two weeks into the leave my husband died. I had to reapply for this time, but got no more time. When I returned she said nothing about my husband passing away. Absolutely nothing until right before the Christmas break when she said that this was probably going to be a difficult time. She thought he had died from a heart attack and I corrected her in that he had suffered cancer for four years. This woman had lost her daughter from a sudden death heart attack on a basketball court the year before. This did not make her more sympathetic... it made her completely hardened. She told me that the school system had a dept. that could help with any problems I was encountering. I told her that I was seeing a grief counselor already. I thought our conversation was helpful, but it was never resolved. she continued to harass me about time that I need to take care of business and reprimanded me about tardies. I thought I was doing the right thing when I came in after taking care of whatever it was I had to take care of. she absolutely did not care... it was still inconveniencing her. I almost filed a grievance but decided that would only keep the argument going. She had gotten angry when the teacher's organization attorney told her not to bother me right after my husband's death. I still her recommendation in order to change jobs and I am afraid that she is not giving me a good rec especially since she was going to put me on a "growth plan" for the problems she perceived that I had about work. Actually I have been teaching out of my area for the las t part of last year when I returned... and had no choice and the year before when I had intended to leave except that my husband's health declined so rapidly last summer. I think this is an unfair evaluation in that I was under so much stress and teaching out of my area of expertise. I am an art specialist and I was teaching PE/health and dance. The dance part was fine as I have much experience in this area and some sports areas I had coached with my husband, but it is not an area that I did easily. I did improve the program quite a bit and enthusiastically, but it is not my area. I actually did a great job but it was really hard to do this without a lot of research and help from my friends. When I injured my knee I should have filed a workman's comp form but again decided that that would create a problem. My doctor said to reduce movement but that is hard to do and so that also caused me some grief and absences. The school system had not told me I had received all of my sick time and not told me that I would not get paid for the time I took off. In fact I owed them money and received no pay check until after Christmas, even if I had returned to work before Thanksgiving. This put quite a burden on me financially. Anyway, I am actively seeking another school and possibly another district. I have applied for many openings and yet I am afraid that I am not getting the "good " recommendation that she promised. The tardy thing is still bothering me and this works on my good attitude. The principal had called me twice to see if I was returning and the last time I called her supervisor and told them I was looking and asked how that would affect the situation. They will release me but in the meantime I am afraid that I am not getting a good rec. Also I have still not gotten past the anniversary of my husband's death and this is beginning to make me want to go underground. What should I do in this situation?
Helpful edee | January 20, 2008 | 10:04 AM Thank you for understanding. This article is one that I can relate to deeply. |
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