By Beth Erickson, Ph.D.

As a therapist, I am often asked, “What happens if depression is not treated?” People seldom ask, “What happens if grief is not treated?” Yet many people are suffering from grief, not depression.

If not identified and treated, grief may become depression. Grief, left untreated, may also cause anxiety, defensiveness, rigidity, sickness, or any one of a number of other potentially debilitating conditions.

Ask for Help after a Loss

Some people may need to report their distress to a healthcare professional immediately after experiencing a loss.  Many people who suffer from loss report being unable to sleep, and feel like “zombies” when they need to work or perform daily tasks. A doctor may prescribe medications such as sleeping pills or an antidepressant. Until the body can regulate itself normally after a loss, prescription medications may be appropriate. Be sure to check with a healthcare professional.

Eventually, if people allow themselves to grieve, the clouds that can dominate their thoughts after a loss will lift. Grief is often healed by time. It is important for people who are grieving to know that grieving is natural and normal when they experience a loss. It is also important for those who experience a loss to accept their grief, and “work through it” while the grief is fresh. Keeping the grief inside is not healthy.

A Culture of Hiding Emotions

In the United States, as well as other cultures, many people are scared of death. People don’t like talking about it, and they don’t like thinking about it. Acknowledging death—and grieving about it—may not be embraced. How often have you heard – and maybe you yourself have said - how strong someone is at a funeral. This is often said as a positive thing. However, invariably, “strong” means showing no emotion.  People who show little emotion often get praised for their tough, stoic demeanor.  Their lack of emotion is assumed to be strength. But often, these people are simply in denial.

Unresolved Grief and Loss

People who deny their grief may invite their loss to become chronic and unresolved. 

Unresolved loss is at the heart of many symptoms, both physical and psychological, that bring patients into physicians’ or psychotherapists’ offices.  Of course, people rarely begin counseling sessions by saying something like, “My mother died when I was 10, and I still haven’t gotten over it,”  or, “My mother has Alzheimer’s, and she hasn’t recognized me for years.” 

The reason is, many people don’t realize that the source of their pain/problems—the thing that brought them into counseling in the first place, is unresolved grief or loss. Many people “stick” grief and loss into their subconscious and would like to keep it there! But grief and loss usually won’t just go away, as much as people would like it to, unless it is brought out in the open and dealt with.

Are You Sick or Grieving?

Many grieving individuals find themselves anxious or sick. They may actually prefer to have a physical problem, such as an illness, rather than to address their grief.

The reasons for this may be:

1. Admitting to physical symptoms may make them feel less emotionally vulnerable than admitting to or thinking about underlying emotional contributions to an illness.
2. Being sick might be a very effective way to change the subject from emotional pain. Just in case anyone asks how they are, they can say they are doing fine emotionally…they just have a cold.
3. People often sympathize more with those who are physically sick, rather than those who suffer from grief or emotional symptoms.  

When people choose to ignore their grief, the pain of the loss often imbeds farther into the subconscious. Once there, the grief may become extremely elusive, and dangerous. Grief, if left untreated, can turn into a clinical depression, which is a serious medical condition.

Grief May be Hiding, but Still There

Sometimes, losses that have gone unaddressed come back with the force of a speeding freight train when another loss is experienced.  When my first sister died suddenly of a brain tumor that had been misdiagnosed as epilepsy, I couldn’t eat or sleep for a month.  I was barely functional during the day.  I could show up at work, but to actually work was a different story.  I would sit at my desk and stare out the window into the cold February sky. Then, one day, it hit me. I was not just grieving my sister. I also was grieving my Dad, who had died of a heart attack at age 50 when I was nine years old. In order to let go of my sister, I would have to grieve my beloved Daddy, too.  Doing so was probably one of the hardest things I have done.  In the end, however, it was the healthiest and most rewarding accomplishment I have ever attained.

It takes courage to face grief. Regardless of whether or not today’s society accepts it, grief is a normal process for those who have experienced loss. You must accept your loss, and accept the natural grieving which accompanies it.

Remember, don’t let anyone – including yourself - deter you from your grief.