By Vicki Rackner, M.D.

The act of caring for a loved one who is sick or disabled is a way of saying, “I love you.”  Just as there are many languages spoken on the planet, so, too, there are languages of love. The languages of love are not always expressed in words—they are expressed in many different ways.

Gary Chapman, PhD, describes love languages in his book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.  Here’s how you can apply his ideas on expressing love to your care recipient.

Expressing Love through Words

In the final days of his brave struggle with cancer, my patient Milton said, “I wish I had told my daughter ‘I love you’ more than once or twice a year. The words were always so hard to get out of my mouth.  I always saw the way she lit up when I built up the courage to tell her.”  I handed him the phone at the hospital bedside and said, “There’s no time like the present.  Why don’t you tell her now.” And he did!

Some messages that warm the heart include the simple words, “I love you,” “I’m proud of you,” and “You’re special.” Or, you could give the person you love specific examples of your appreciation. You could say, “Dad, I always appreciated the way I could count on you.  When I was a kid and you promised to help me fix my bike, you followed through even though you were so busy with work.” 

You can speak the words in person, over the telephone, or even make a tape recording!  Sally said she listened to a message her mother left on a telephone answering machine over and over.

The written word has special power.  When I was helping my son clean out his desk at the end of first grade, I noticed a collection of notes that I pack with his lunch each day.  When I asked why he kept them, he said, “They helped me when I was having a hard day.” You can write a note or a letter.  Even a message scribbled on a Post-it note can be a treasured gift.

Expressing Love with Time

Joe said to his sister, “It doesn’t matter how much I do for Mom. It’s never enough. I brought her the meal she loves, ran errands and hired a contractor to put a railing on the rickety staircase.”  His sister chuckled and said, “Joe, don’t you realize that all Mom really wants is for you to sit down with her and enjoy a cup of tea?”

Unlike words, which are infinitely renewable resources, time is limited. For most of us, time is in short supply.  Time may well be the gift that is the most challenging to give, and that is one reason it is so appreciated. Find creative ways to spend time together.  Run errands together.  Take your aunt to her favorite restaurant or even go to the art museum café and listen to the rain.  You might ask your mother to tell you stories about what it was like when she was a girl.  Or you can recount vacation stories and laugh at the disasters.  If you simply cannot sit still, consider renting a movie or playing a game of cards. 

Expressing Love with Gifts

Mary said, “I happened to have the award I got from work when I visited Mom and I showed it to her.  She was so proud that I told her she could keep it.  She lit up just like she did when I gave her the potholders I made in Girl Scout camp.” Some people show utter delight when they receive gifts. Gifts do not have to be expensive or extravagant.  A gift is a physical token of your love.  Maybe you bring your loved one a bouquet of your grandmother’s favorite lilacs or your father’s favorite chocolate.  The more personal the gift, the better.  It’s a way of saying, “You’re important, and I was thinking about you.”

Expressing Love through Acts of Service

Your life is filled with moment-to-moment opportunities for acts of service. Nancy said, “Once I realized that Dad loved my “acts of service” for him my attitude changed!  I used to think of the chores like grocery shopping and driving him to the doctor as, well…chores!  Now I repeat to myself, ‘I’m saying I love you. These chores mean “I love you,” to Dad!’ I go through the to-do list with greater joy.”

Expressing Love through Touch

Marina and her mother were waiting in the exam room when the doctor came in, accompanied by a medical student.  The doctor examined her mother then asked, “Would it be okay if the medical student listened to your heart?” Marina’s mother replied, “It is fine.  It seems like you’re the only person who touches me since my husband died, and I miss it!”  Most sick and elderly people are deprived of touch. Be generous with hugs.  Sit close and maybe even hold hands.  Ask your loved one if he would like a hand massage or a foot massage. Maybe Mom would like a pedicure. Or DAD!

Find the Love Language of the Ones You Love

Words are my primary love language.  Some of my most treasured gifts are the cards that my patients write me.  I just went to a family reunion where touch was the primary love language for most of my family members.  Lots of hugs and kisses.  Although I’m not a big “hugger,” I made a point of overcoming my resistance and even offered the hugs myself.  

Get to know your love language and the love language of those you care about.  It will help you take better care of yourself.  And start saying, “I love you,” in the language the recipient best understands.