By Vicki Rackner, M.D.

“Me? Go to the doctor?  Are you kidding?”

If you are a caregiver, you have probably heard that sentence, or variations of it, from your loved one.

Your husband won’t go to the doctor to check out those suspicious moles on his back.  And your mother is short of breath but insists, “It’s nothing.”

Although your loved one’s resistance to going to the doctor may be frustrating, let me assure you that there is a reason for everything your loved one does, including avoiding doctor visits.

Tips for Getting your Loved One to Go to the Doctor

Here is an exercise that I promise will be fun and interesting.  It may even make it easier to get your husband, child, parent, or even you to the doctor.

At a quiet time in which there’s no urgent need to see the doctor, sit down with your loved one.  Pretend you’re an investigative reporter and have a chat over a cup of tea.

Ask:  “When you were a kid, what was it like to see the doctor?”

If your loved one was born in the early 1900s, get ready for some amazing stories. In the pre-antibiotic era, eight out of ten people with blood-borne bacterial infections died.  One in four hospitalized moms died in childbirth.  In those days there was little a doctor could do besides literally hold the hand of the suffering patient. A 90-year-old man described what it was like to live in New York during the 1918 flu pandemic, painting a descriptive picture of tiny caskets stacked in narrow streets.

Ideas about what doctors can and cannot do for you are often formed in childhood.  You might hear your relative say things like, “You don’t see the doctor unless you have no alternatives,” or “Real men don’t get sick”or “The hospital is a place you go to die.”

Once you uncover these core beliefs or experiences from your loved one’s childhood, you can gently challenge him or her by saying, “Do you think it’s still like that now?”  Each year we live, we add more experiences and knowledge, like the development of the rings of a growing tree.  The rings that say “I don’t want to see a doctor” were the early childhood rings.  Not only has your loved one changed, doctors and medical technology have changed. Your loved one may simply need a gentle reminder of that.

Ask:  “Did you ever have a bad medical experience or witness a scary scene with a doctor?” 

Farming accidents, childhood pranks with firecrackers gone awry, and battleground trauma were managed much differently 70 years ago with very different outcomes.

The first documented operation was performed at a kitchen table with whiskey as the anesthetic.  Imagine being a child seeing your mom held down by strong relatives while a doctor performed an operation. You can imagine this child making a promise, “I’ll never see a doctor.”  An experience like that can certainly lead a logical person to conclude that the known, tolerable pain is better than the unknown, uncontrolled pain a doctor could inflict. 

Sometimes these childhood stories unknowingly hold an adult prisoner. The interesting thing is that simply telling the stories can open the prison door.  It’s like shining the light on the monsters under the bed. You can reassure your loved one that there is plenty of pain medicine in the world, and doctors and nurses do everything they can to minimize suffering.

Ask: “What would the perfect doctor be like?” 

Listen carefully to the answer.  You might get specifics such as gender or age.  You might get qualities like “a tender touch” or “a good listener.” Assure them that there are doctors like that, and you will help your loved one find one.

Negotiate.

First, thank your relative for sharing these intimate stories.  Say, “I have a much better understanding of why you don’t want to go to the doctor.  I also love you and want you to get the best health care possible.  If I promise to go with you and do everything I can to assure that you get safe medical care delivered by a compassionate doctor, someone who pays attention to your comfort, can you imagine yourself going to an appointment?” 

You might be pleasantly surprised at the answer.