By Alice D. Domar, Ph. D.

We’ve all heard the saying, “the only constant is change.”  As we care for aging loved ones, change affects all aspects of their lives and our lives.  Retirement may make the retiree question how they can continue to make meaningful contributions—a question that many times affects self esteem.  Changes in vision, hearing, and other senses occur increasingly, often leading to frustration in the person experiencing the change.  Chronic health issues such as mobility impairment and memory changes can be more than frustrating; they can be downright debilitating.  Downsizing or moving into different surroundings can further test one’s already fragile emotional stability.  Deaths of spouses, family, or friends, and the loss and grief associated with those changes can add up and take a toll emotionally and physically.

One of the hardest changes a caregiver faces with aging parents is being forced into a true role reversal.  Our parents come full circle, progressing from being total caretakers when we are babies and throughout our youth, through a period of allowing us our independence, to a phase of parent-child equality, to finally needing us to be the caretaker.  When we find ourselves caring for people going through this major transition, we, too, suffer a type of loss—we lose our healthy parents.

Coping with Aging

We all have different ways of coping with change and loss. If we are flexible with change in our early years, we’re likely to be able to adjust to change and loss as we and our loved ones age. On the other hand, if we’ve resisted change throughout our lives, we will probably continue to resist. When our loved ones resist change, it can be an emotional roller coaster for both caregiver and loved one.

When caring for elderly loved ones, it is important to understand the array of emotions they may be going through. The emotions people experience as they cope with the changes that age brings on can be very similar to the emotions people feel when they lose a loved one. In a way, someone who is aging has lost someone: they have lost the person they once were. They are likely to be grieving the loss of their ability to do the things they used to do.  This grief manifests itself in many different ways. Symptoms of grief range from shock and disbelief, to denial that change is taking place, to depression, loneliness, and a sense of isolation.  More visible emotions, such as panic, hostility, and an inability to function day-to-day, are also possible. Stubbornness, regression, and even rage can result from a sense of losing one’s former self. 

The worst day of my life (even worse than the day my mother died) was when I had to take my mom out of her home and into a residential hospice.  She was in denial that she needed that level of care.  For many weeks we discussed her increasing number of falls, and the fact that in-home aides were not able to meet her needs any longer. It was only when I told my mom that taking care of her was taking too big a toll on me that she agreed to go.  My guilt was enormous, but seeing me suffer made her mothering instincts kick in. Although she decided to go only for the good of her child, it ended up being the right thing for her, as well.

Make a Game Plan

As caregivers, we break new ground in many of our day-to-day circumstances.  Each day, we may need access to support from many people and services, such as primary care physicians, visiting nurses, social workers, eldercare services, and more. We may need to get our family and siblings together and involved in the care of our loved one, something that is easier said than done.

If we are caring for aging parents, it may help to outline a game plan. We’ll need to keep the “plan” fluid, given the unpredictable nature of caregiving for the elderly.

Tasks such as cleaning, feeding, preparing meals, handling finances, timing doctor’s appointments, going to the pharmacy, etc., all need to be part of our plan. As caregivers, we also need to manage our own emotions, the emotions or our loved ones, and sometimes our family members' emotions as well! Emotions among siblings and families may be easier to manage if the overall game plan for caring is discussed, agreed to, and adapted as needed to meet the ever-evolving changing needs of our loved ones.

Try to Listen and Understand

It is difficult for a caregiver to truly understand what it is like to be the one who is aging and needs care. One of the most important skills you can develop as a caregiver is to listen.  We must try to spend more time listening to our loved ones, rather than telling them what to do.  Let your loved one make the decisions they can.  Sometimes too much help can be no help at all, especially if it frustrates your loved one. They may reject your care and reject the reality of their aging.

Sometimes the best course of action is simply spending time with your loved one, even if the time is very brief. Sharing activities such as going out to eat, shopping, reading, or just being together and providing a sympathetic ear, can help ease the process of aging and the transition to the new parent-child dynamic. Regular contact by phone, email or a simple “thinking of you” card helps combat feelings of isolation.

Self-Nurturing

While caring for someone, especially someone who is grieving, we can’t forget to nurture our own emotional well-being.  Seek medical and psychological help if needed.  Call on friends for support.  When my dad died, the first person I called was a friend who had just lost her dad.  Seek out others who have faced the situation you are facing and learn how they coped.  Simple, common sense action will help us through the emotional roller coaster of caregiving. Keep in mind there are always others on the same ride.  Reach out to them.