By Loretta LaRoche and Alice D. Domar, Ph. D.

Guilt is an unwelcome, constant companion in caregiving.

There are many reasons caregivers feel guilty, including ambivalence with their new role, resentment toward family members for not helping more, conflict with their loved one, and anger over all the things they have lost, like vacations with your family, or favorite hobbies, or free time.

When you do more and more for your loved one, he/she may keep asking for more, making you feel as though you’re not doing enough. This all adds to the guilt and anger. 

Handling Your Feelings

The real issue is how to handle these feelings. Focusing on negatives takes away our ability for positive action. Mistaken notions that you should be doing more lead to exhaustion and depression. The National Family Caregivers Association reports that 25 percent of caregivers feel “out of control” and “emotional stressed,” and 61 percent became more depressed after assuming a caregiver role. Caregivers caught in a web of guilt, anger, and depression clearly put their own health at risk. So acknowledge these feelings and focus on positive ways to deal with them.

Reframe Your Self-Talk

Our mental health is strongly affected by our self-talk—the way we say things to ourselves. We tend to have recurring negative thought patterns. These can include: “I am not providing the kind of care that my loved one deserves” oir “I am not a good enough wife/father/daughter.” You might think: “I hate my life” and “This is simply too hard for me.” 

Thoughts like these need restructuring and reframing to make the ideas accurate but healthier. For example, restructuring the above thinking would change the thoughts to: “I am providing the care to the best of my abilities and resources. “I am doing the best job I can,” and “My life is very stressful now and I need to draw on my family, friends, and community to support me better,” and “I have never been challenged as I am now. I need to think about how I met prior crises and use those coping skills to my advantage.”

Stop Musterbating

Another way to reduce guilt is to examine your use of two little words: should and must.  LLuminari expert and health humorist Loretta LaRoche tells us to stop using those nasty words.  “Do not should upon yourself and stop musterbating!” says LaRoche.  “Instead, say I need to or I choose to.” Should and must just make you feel more guilty!

Many caregivers hesitate to take time off, or to delegate, since they believe that their way is the only good or safe way of doing a job. Think carefully about this belief. Taking time away from your tasks, and learning delegation skills are vital to your health. Take needed time off. Sharing tasks and chores of caregiving, and letting go of guilt is often a hard step.

Guilt Is a Two-Way Street

You may not be the only one feeling guilty. If you are caring for a parent or partner, many times they feel guilty about being a burden on you. Even children feel guilt about causing their parents extra work.

One of the best ways to combat your guilt is to start the process of self-care slowly.

Some tips include:

• Rather than facing the anxiety of taking a whole day off, see if you can make arrangements for an hour of coverage. 
• Spend that hour any way you want, but don’t feel guilty about taking time for you.  
• Adopt a mantra: “Taking time for me guilt-free.”
• Think of this as time for you to replenish yourself, your body, your soul, and your spirit.  Play music you like.
• Dance and sing.   
• At mealtime, add creative ingredients or spices to make food more appealing.
• Wear perfume you enjoy. 
• Put on something you love to wear.  

As you become more comfortable caring for your needs in tandem with your loved one, hopefully pleasure and relief will take the place of guilt and resentment.