By Nicole Levison

How many times have we been reminded of the importance of setting boundaries? So often we run our lives without clear-cut limits, ambling along until someone crosses our boundaries and causes us to explode.

Rather than get into the whole psychology of insecurity or neediness that sometimes fuels people’s inability to say “no” or “enough,” let’s address practical ways in which to set limits without hurting others or ourselves.

Change your Behavior

First of all, let’s start with honesty: caregiving can be a demanding, stressful experience that brings out both the best and worst in a person. During periods of being a temporary caregiver, I found my level of patience diminishing and my temper rising.

When I analyzed my behavior, I realized that I was letting past animosities interfere with present concerns, in addition to allowing fatigue to get the better of me. It is not as if I don’t love that person with my whole heart and soul, I just reacted as humans sometimes do. But the beauty of being human is that we can change our behavior and reinvent our beliefs, albeit this is a challenging and sometimes long road.

Here are some ideas for establishing guidelines with which everyone can live:

• Take care of yourself! Eat, sleep, exercise, take breaks—address your needs.

• Communicate with your employer and attempt to come up with a solution (such as flextime, telecommuting, or reducing your hours) that suits all parties involved.
• Clearly institute ground rules, such as, “I require Sundays as a day to myself;” you are respecting yourself and others will do the same.
• Preserve independence for you and your care recipient. Make sure there are always purpose and goals in both your lives. Whether it is taking classes or joining a club, volunteer, or support program, or religious organization, having a life outside of giving and getting care is imperative and provides a fresh perspective.
• Realize “no” does not have to be harsh. “I am sorry, but I cannot host the family reunion this year.”
• Make time together count. If you can hire, or enlist the help of a volunteer, caregiver to manage everyday duties, do so and save your time together for quality dealings like watching a movie, enjoying a leisurely meal, visiting a museum, etc.
• Avoid guilt—and other unhealthy thinking. They only lead to stress. According to the Family Caregiver Alliance, there are six major types of unhealthy thought patterns to fight:
  1. Over-generalization. Avoid using exaggerative phrases like “always,” “all,” “never,” “every,” or “constantly.”
  2. Discounting the positive.When you dismiss the good, what does that leave?
  3. Jumping to conclusions.“Mind-reading” and “fortune-telling” are the two behaviors mentioned by the FCA. We all know the truism about where assuming gets us.
  4. Avoid “should” statements. “I should spend more time with my kids.” What you are really saying is, “I regret having a lack of time and need help taking care of Grandma.”
  5. Resist labeling. Resist stereotyping yourself and others. Judge yourself as gently as you would an innocent child.
  6. Avoid expectations. You can only control your own actions, reactions, and emotions, so recognize what you can change and be kind in what you demand of yourself.

When you empower and educate yourself, your health, self-confidence, and awareness of the world around you all improve.

In the immortal words of philosopher/psychologist William James (1842-1910): “Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.”