By Beth Erickson, Ph.D.

If you are a middle aged caregiver, you may feel squeezed and pulled apart in multiple directions especially if you are a member of “The sandwich generation,” a term for those caring for children at home as well as their aging parents.  

Although men consist of nearly 44% of all caregivers in the United States, studies have shown that more women perform this dual role of caregiving for children and their parents.  

Socialized to Care for Others

Women are socialized to be caregivers.  That means we are taught by our cultural role to be responsible for others and for what happens in relationships.  Men, on the other hand, are socialized to be out in the world fixing, doing, and producing.  This, more than anything, explains why sometimes caretaking seems naturally to fall to women.  

Many women often fail to ask for help with their caretaking tasks, even from their own brothers and sisters. If you are a caregiver (man or woman), be sure to ask for help.

Studies have shown, that, even at work, women delegate less than men. We have a tendency to try to “do it all.” At home, just as in the workforce, it is important to realize no one person can “do it all.”

The Key to Caregiving: Delegate, Delegate, Delegate

As a caregiver, you may be the “best” person for all jobs. But you should still delegate tasks to others based on their strengths and availability. Perhaps a younger brother is an excellent cook and can bring meals to your house one day a week. Be honest with yourself and your loved one about what you realistically can manage.  Ask yourself the following questions:

• Whose needs take precedence when?  How can I care for ill and aging parents without sacrificing my own family, career, or myself? 
• How can I claim time for me when everyone else seems to need my attention and care at the same time?
• How can I know when it is appropriate to seek care alternatives for my ill or aging loved one? 
• How much is it fair to ask my siblings to help? 
• How do I handle a sibling who seems disinterested or refuses to be involved? 
• What would it cost me to step out of my career to take care of my loved one? 
• If I did, could I step back into my career?
• How do I see my life after the need for caretaking has ended?

Once you start asking the questions, you’ll find them easier to solve.

As a caregiver, you may think you are the only one who can do it. And as a woman, you may think it is your “duty” to be a caretaker. You must accept that you cannot do it all.

Take Care of You

Above all, create some down time for yourself regularly.  Even if it is only an occasional bubble bath or an early morning walk, this is essential. Otherwise, you may be unable to continue this delicate balancing act.  It will do no one any good if you allow yourself to become drained and debilitated in the process of ensuring another’s comfort. 

Instead of thinking of these competing priorities as an either/or situation. Try to think of it as a both/and challenge. Instead of thinking either I take care of myself or my loved one, ask how can I take care of both my loved ones and myself?  Both you and they deserve the best you can offer under these important but challenging circumstances.