By Elizabeth Eby

I’ve got three full-time jobs and one body.

I am a mom, caregiver for my mom who lives alone, and I also work at a senior facility.  A few days ago I realized I had lost my sense of humor.  It was as if my zest for life took off without me.  And then it hit me.  I was exhausted, overworked, and not performing well at any of my jobs. 

I needed help, and it is a good thing I recognized it (many caregivers only realize they need help when their own health fails!).

You Just Can’t Do Everything

I decided to cope with my personal life first.  I took out two pads of legal paper and made lists of what I do at home and for my Mom and started to prioritize them.  As I identified the individual tasks, I realized that I don’t have to do all of them myself. As the kids say, this may seem like a major “duh,” but it required objectivity on my part. 

Some things I want or need to do myself.  Others, I don’t need to do myself. I want to have lunch with my Mom on Fridays when she goes to physical therapy but I don’t need to drive her to pottery class. I want and need to do her finances and health insurance claims, but someone else could pick up the prescriptions or take her to the library.

Asking for Help

Asking a friend or neighbor for help with these sorts of tasks might seem difficult at first—nobody likes to think they are bothering anyone. But some tasks are really easy to share. If someone is going to make one tray of lasagna, why not make two? If someone is heading to the local pharmacy to pick up toilet paper, couldn’t they pick me up a few things?

I reviewed my lists and picked out 10 tasks I could assign to others that were simple. Some of the tasks were “Make some food for us on Wednesday nights so I can go to my book group.” Then I bought some pretty colored index cards and wrote one task, my name, and phone number on each card. These days when a friend asks if I need something, I hand out a card.

I guess you could say I started a local trend.  So many of my friends face the same problem that we now have a bulletin board at church where people place their “Help wanted” cards. 

We also started an exchange system. It’s not unusual to see a message such as, “I’ll drive your kids to soccer if you do morning car pool.”  Some of the seniors in my community have their own exchange going. My favorite messages I’ve seen lately include ones that say, “I’ll mend your clothes, you mend my screen door,” and, “Transportation in exchange for dinner.” 

My experience asking for help has taught me several lessons. It isn’t always better to give than to receive. Accepting help doesn’t threaten my independence; it makes me stronger. It has made my friendships stronger, strengthened my relationships with my neighbors, and made me a better caregiver. Asking for help was humbling at first, but it made me realize how rich I am in resources.  It also opened my eyes to those who may not have friends and family support. I may not be able to help them right now, but I will next time around. 

Accepting help is a mutual blessing; it supports my ability to perform all my jobs with grace and my helpers feel needed and appreciated.  Really, it’s a win-win situation and all parties go off with a sense of afterglow and friendship.