|
ASKING FOR FAMILY SUPPORT
Visit a Website dedicated to caregiving, type in the word “respite,” and you will find thousands of Web pages. “Depression” and “guilt” also have numerous resources online. Not surprisingly, these emotions go hand-in-hand because caregivers deal with more burdens and greater emotional concerns than the average non-caregiver. And most caregivers are doing it alone. For whatever reason, statistics show that in any family, one person is usually the primary caregiver—or the only caregiver, of a loved one. Why Me?Primary caregivers take on the responsibility of caring for a loved one for many reasons—often it is because the caregiver lives the closest to their loved one, or they have a closer relationship. Sometimes it’s because other family members or siblings simply don’t want the responsibility. But whatever reason spurred your caregiving responsibility you must remember: At some point you chose to keep this responsibility. Perhaps you chose because it is just what you do, or it is out of love or fear that your loved one could not receive as good of care elsewhere. Perhaps it is because if you did not step up to the plate nobody else would have. But you made the decision (even if you didn’t have a lot of choice) and you need to accept that in order to let go of any anger or resentment. Accept Your SituationEven the most patient and caring person can suffer burnout if he/she does not take a time out. And then where does that leave the person in your care? Accepting that we need help and then asking for it is difficult. Whether it is because family dynamics are such that you fear conflict may arise if you ask for a hand, or you feel that the responsibility is yours alone and you should be able to handle it, or you worry that something will go awry while you are away—it is always easier to make excuses than to make changes. Stress Catches UpThe funny thing about stress is that it doesn’t go away very easily once it’s there. Just like those extra 10 pounds—getting rid of it is a challenge. The best thing is to prevent stress in the first place, but let’s face it, you’re a caregiver and it’s an incredibly stressful position. Be aware of the stress in your life and then manage it. One of the best ways to manage stress is to delegate, delegate, delegate. Your sister in college that’s never lifted a hand for Mom? Ask her to use her handy Internet skills to order the groceries online for home delivery. Your brother who travels every day and is “too busy” to help you with your ailing husband? Ask him to pick up your prescriptions at the pharmacy along with his the next time he goes, or to help fix the broken fan in the living room. It never hurts to ask, and if you don’t ask, you don’t get anything. Try to regularly communicate with family members, and be aware that even those who are long-distance can help. Create Simple TasksYou know and we know how busy you are. You may feel though that only YOU can handle caregiving. The reality is other people are there for help. Only the most resistant person can refuse a simple, 15-minute task for you. As you know, it’s those 15-minute tasks that add up and make it impossible for you to do anything! Start by writing down every last thing you do on a daily basis, and then figure out who might possibly be able to help in your family. For instance, “Mom needs her nails cut; I could use someone’s assistance with Dad for a couple hours while I attend Junior’s baseball game; It would be meaningful for me if someone cooked Mom a nice dinner once in a while.” One caregiver said that her family does a weekly Sunday dinner and they rotate who cooks and who cleans up. Her elderly mother lives with her, but her brother and sister come over every other week with a home-cooked meal. They put their meals and the responsibility on a big calendar—so nobody can claim they forgot. Play on People’s Strengths…and EgosIt is more productive to respect and accept each individual’s strengths and weaknesses than to insist on assigning some task to a sibling or friend that does not suit them. If you approach your brother and say “You have such an amazing skill with carpentry. I admire your work everytime I go to your house. You know—I really could use a ramp for Bob’s wheelchair. I think you’d be the perfect person to build that ramp—I’m positive in fact, you’d be the only one I know who could get it right.” What do you think the chances are that your brother, flattered and pleased, will be more than willing to build that ramp? Probably higher than if you demanded it! Remember that it is important to use “I” versus “you.” For example, “I would feel rejuvenated if I could get a bit of help” not “you should help more.” It is a matter of simple semantics, but it can make all the difference in family interactions. Other tips include:
If there is no one in your family or circle of friends available to help you care for your loved one, seek out assistance elsewhere. Numerous community services and online resources exist, such as
You can also contact your local department of health and human services, hospital, and social services, and anyone else in your community. People feel valued and better about themselves when they help others. So not only are you taking good care of your charge by taking care of yourself, but you are making those around you feel great by allowing them to be a part of something so important! As former First Lady Rosalynn Carter points out via her Website, “There are only four kinds of people in the world—those who have been caregivers, those who currently are caregivers, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers.” While you may not clear a six-figure salary for your benevolent efforts, your compassion and generous spirit, much like respect and honor, isn’t something one can buy.
Members' CommentsComment on this article and share your thoughts with other Strength for Caring members. To comment on an article you will need to Sign In.
|
Sign Up Now for our Monthly Newsletter!
