By Amy Hoover Tuso

One of my dearest friends had recently taken his father-in-law into his home and became a co-caregiver with his wife.  His wife carried more of the load and she took a leave of absence from work.

She devoted the majority of her time to caring for her dad during this last phase of his life.  Her father had terminal lung cancer and after spending the first week in their home, he fell and broke his hip. His hip was operated on and a few weeks were spent in a nursing home for recovery and some physical therapy. When he had moved back into their home, his status quickly declined and he became totally bedridden.  Hospice became involved with his care as he opted out of pursuing any cancer treatments.

I found myself in an interesting position as I looked into their situation as an observer, rather than being the caregiver myself.  I’ve been a caregiver before, but from this new perspective I was able to truly see caregiving.  So much love, so much fear, so much frustration, and so much tiredness. 

A Window into Caregiving

Although I have felt the fear, frustration, and extreme tiredness while in the same position of caregiving, I found that somehow you just manage to do what you need to do without really noticing how you’re doing it.  You don’t have the time to let any obstacles get in the way.  You just do what needs to be done.

As my friend relayed the events of each day, I found the best thing I could do was listen. It became important for me to be an outlet for all that had built up inside of him.  We compared similar situations and discussed possible solutions, but what I discovered was that one of the most valuable things I could offer was quiet compassion. When he finished talking about the routine things that were being done by him and his wife, from trying to get his father-in-law to take some nourishment, to just sitting with him so he knew he was not alone, the exhaustion within his soul was evident.  I found that one of the most appreciated questions that I asked was…how are YOU doing and what do YOU want?  No matter how many times I asked these two questions, they brought an upwelling of relief within him.  I did not judge, I just listened.

What do Caregivers Want to Hear?

During the various times that I have been a caregiver, I have experienced disappointment with the unavailability of unconditional support within my circle of friends.  In retrospect, I am able to see that sometimes, people just don’t know what to say, so they say nothing at all.  Friends are not always able to handle another friend’s hardship, or pain, or family situation…and so, they disappear or avoid any discussion regarding the situation.  As a caregiver, I have found that the emotional support offered from a sincere friend is invaluable. 

Offer your friends that find themselves in the role of caregivers the things that you wish a friend had offered to you.  Listen to them, and offer your ear. That may be all they need.